Loved...

Thinking about embarking on a relationship (if only it was that easy), and purging and exorcising the imaginary lovers from my mind got me thinking about the past relationships I've had...

'The First', N, Also known as 'The One I Wish I Hadn't Fucked Up'
Ohhh N, My first grown up love. He was slightly older than me and yet we worked. From the moment we first went from friends to more, it was like the planets had realigned so that we could be the centre of each others universe. He was (is) handsome, caring and loving. Unfortunately my over reactive 'girl brain' kicked in as my insecurities misled me and I broke up with him. We were shocked, we were sad, we still fooled around abit afterwards. He still walks into my Mum house lays on the couch like he lives there, calls Mum - well Mum, makes my blood boil when I see him, and can hug like noone I've met since...

'Schizo Ex', We went out for quite a while, practically lived together, hung out with respective families. Had pet names, had great sex, had a great time together. Until the crazies came over him and in 8 hours we were apart one day he decided it was over. Ended with a phone call, "don't ever call me again". OK of course I redialled, then visited, was met by the blackest scariest eyes and all the hostility in the world. Had a cuppa with his grandma and walked out, confused, upset and beyond sad. I got an apology and wish I hadn't treated you like that I still love you two years later.... yeah two years too little to late buddy. (Meanwhile, Grandma, Sister and I are still good friends and we laugh at the fool regularly).

'The Ex', No fancy title needed. We were together for long enough that people kept looking at my finger expecting a flash of diamond. Sadly, we were meant to be, we went the full circle from friends, to GF/BF, to 'partners' and back to friends. Its a happy place to be now. Don't get me wrong there were plenty of tears shed, plenty of snide remarks and plenty of 'have we done the right thing?'... In a word, Yes.

So I'm figuring, since it is possible to love and be loved, it will happen again. One day. Hopefully. Before I am old and grey and surrounded by cats.

Unavailable...

I think mentally I am reserved. For what/who I don't know. Maybe one of these days a boy will come along and make me laugh, want to hang out, not cringe when I burp, and be happy to fit into my manically busy existence. (Yes I call them boys - men are scary)

Unfortunately, I am not dating. Its not that dating scares me per say, but, I'm not sure I know how to do it. How to get back into that circle? I work in a bar (or two) so get drunken offers every now and then and whilst they work wonders on my self esteem, they are not offering a date - generally I think they just want to get smutty - which don't get me wrong is not an inherently bad thing it just isn't where I am at.

The few people I have glanced twice at recently have been for all intents and purposes not ideal. Although they seem to get a wee slice of my imagination for a while, at the end of the day I know they are not Mr Right, or even Mr Rightfornow. In most cases the biggest problem has been geography - they all either live or work a million miles away and have only stepped onto my corner of the earth for a holiday, break or visit. They walk into my life, make my heart beat slightly faster for a few seconds, then leave again. This leaves me unattainable for a while as I get caught in a day dream of what could have been... I snap back out of it eventually, I'm not still pining for them (often) but then the cycle seems to repeat.

Is my subconscious not letting me move forward, am I drawn to boys that aren't/can't be relationship material?
If so... Bite me subconscious I want a someone! If it is why? I am over the ex, happily friends with him but not going backwards in life. I am secure and happy in myself I think... so bring it on!

Part of the problem could be the fact that I don't 'do' one night stands therefore almost everyone I meet in a bar/on a night out, I discount because I believe that 99.76% of them are just after a root... am I wrong?

Don't get me wrong I am not a biological time bomb ready to explode into marriage and babies, I'm in no rush. I just think I've been single long enough now and sitting in front of the fire in my new place would be so much nicer with someone to steal the heat from...

Forgotten ...

Standing alone atop a mountain
Shadowed by the crosses,
The crosses of a thousand men
Who fought so fiercely
...and died.
They died for our freedom
and yet we are not proud
We take it for granted
Our freedom
We do not care
We are cruel.
Why one day to remember,
And the rest of the year to forget
ANZAC not remembered
As we said we would
But our fathers forgotten
Their names not heard
We still feel the wind,
The sun on our backs
But the red blood no longer flows
Lying dormant
Under earth
Our blood is nothing
What did we do?
A single poppy once a year
When compared to them,
Pitiful
Poor
... Weak

Teasing...

You can look but can't touch
See but not taste
Anticipation is building, but
Without rewards it's a waste.
Feather light touches
Ignite your skin like a flame
Biting hard on your lip
As you growl out my name.
Tempting and teasing you
Driving you mad with desire
Your pupils are dilated and
Your nerves are on fire.
Begging and fighting
Trying to get to those lips
Biting and scratching
Kisses with little nips.
You hold your breath waiting
For our torture to end
I can't hold on for ever
And on that you depend.
Teasing and tempting
Playful and sweet to start,
More fun with the reward
You can't wait for that part...

Mountain Climbing...

Not in the literal hiking boots, alpine air and dehydrated snacks kind of way, it's been more figurative.

I have moved out of my house with a few twinges of the heart strings for my old villa (not nearly as grand as it sounds), been temporarily nomadic, flat hunted, had my references checked and been approved by the new landlords to make my habitat in their rental. I have a mountain of boxes deposited inside the door, and it is going to take some mental (and physical strength) to unpack, organise and get sorted.

Also I have climbed a career mountain and am (mostly) on a path that will mean I'm finally a paramedic before I'm covered in wrinkles and my back has gone out from the strain of lifting patients. Unfortunately, that is going to mean another move before the end of the year - I'm seriously tempted to live out of the boxes until then.

At the top ... I'll see you on the other side

Twenty Six. . .

1: I HATE feet - mine and yours.

2: I love easily - and am hurt easily as a result.

3: My boobs are heaps bigger than they look in clothes.

4: I can't think of anything I am scared of - except for failing.

5: I cut the end of my finger off years ago ... it's name is Stumpy.

6: I think the reason children love me is that they know I'm just a big kid.

7: Loyalty is one of my strongest traits.

8: I have owned 3 cars - Burt, Oscar and Charlie.

9: I read almost every night - even if the words are blurred from alcoholic effects.

10: My mother has recieved a fathers day card from me every year since I was three.

11: I love Africa - although I haven't been yet.

12: I have visited a number of prisons around the country.

13: Beetroot, Pickled Onions, Pork, Bacon and Oysters are some of my favourite foods.

14: If I could do anything in my life once again it would be talking to my Grandpa.

15: I have skydived more than once.

16: I have only had one panic attack ever - it was enough.

17: I love the sight of blood.

18: I can't wait to be a mother but I can wait before I have children.

19: I often regret not standing up for myself.

20: I don't have a sweet tooth.

21: Once you are in my heart, its almost impossible for me to let you go.

22: I do it alone, but tell others not too.

23: I'm a shit magnet. Also, I attract nutbars.

24: I have eaten, worms, bugs, and testicles.

25: My collection of poems is like reading a tortured soul.

26: I cry at movies, books, ads and when others cry but try to stop crying when I am sad.

~So long 26... you've been great, but I'm looking forward to 27 and all it is going to throw at me.

Liking, loving, laughing, longing, lazing, learning. . .

Staunch . . .

Well as staunch as you can be when you are five foot f-all.

You see I was in a real life bar fight, well, not a bar fight where there were bar stools flying around the room, and I didn't shank anyone with the pool cue I snapped across my knee. but, it was scary and loud and I was staunch. Noooo, there was no hair pulling, scratching or pinching. It wasn't even with another girl. It was with a rather scary gang member - I knows...tough much?!

So how does a slightly tall midget blonde get into a bar fight with a big tough nasty piece of arrgh? She asks him to say please. Ohtheprovocation. Yep.

"tinytim" (not tiny - see those inverted commas?) boofs down his empty bottle, says 'beer'. Cheeky bargirl (a wee bit cheeky no commas) 'please?'.

"tinytim" unleashes rant/tirade/verbal diahorreah/word vom/curses/bitches/moans...

Goes on for obscene amount of time, I tried to placeate, I even cried a little (stupid emotional reaction), then I got MAD!

Anyshortgrumpy pants... Best line:

"tinytim" - 'there is the blahblah gang local head, and then there is me'

moi - 'well your still someones bitch then huh?!'

**Small disclaimer - I was shaking in my boots - this is not the normal crowd I see, serve or choose to converse with. This guy was S.cary. However, even though I got lippy, I have no black eyes and my house is not ashes = Dream Result from potentially Nasty Encounter**

Numerical. . .

18...
With the head honcho away for two weeks I will be working (at 3 jobs) 18 days straight... yes eighteen, osamnaest, atten, diciotto, dix-huit - in any language it makes me want to curl up under my duvet, plug in my iPod, cryalittle, drink myself silly and run farfar away. 18 days - really isn't that illegal? It should be.

14...
I realised today that my Grandpa died 14 years ago this March, I was only 13 when he passed. I will have spent more of my life without him 'in it' than with. On that note for the last 13 years I have still written his birthday and his anniversary into my diary. Not that I'd forget either ever... I'd like to think that he and I will always be tied, we were so close, that spiritually we are eternally linked.

9...
It is 9 years since I lived in my hometown, does that make this my new home town? I think generally the winters are too cold to say I'd stay here. But if the folks in charge of the white truck with flashing lights want to pay me to stay I'll most likely do it... they could pay me to go almost anywhere. Volunteering may be good for the soul but not for the bank balance. On that tangent - is a volunteer job a job or a hobby?

Eleventy Million...
That's how many valentines I had to wade through to get out my front door on Sunday... flowers, cards, teddy bears, wine, poems, prospective future husbands offering services - all there. Well apart from the flowers, cards, teddy bears, wine, poems, prospective future husbands...unless they were invisible. Got a couple of sweet messages from friends though! Friend love is just as spesh.

3...
Three months until Nice! Cannot wait - Nice... yep the French Riviera, ahhhh bliss, my Canon and I will be there. Jealous much?

124...
Haemoglobin at 124 - highest its been in the almost 7 months since my blood transfusion - ohhh yeah - making blood cells like a professional I tell you. Normal range for the 1st time and no red flags from the lab! I knew all that red meat eating, spinach chewing and parsley picking was key.

Like a loved up 15 year old...

Oh my lord Santa Mamakat came (way back then) and got me a Canon 500D - I am so in love with this camera.... it may be unhealthy how close we've gotten, we are like a 15 year old loved up couple I can't keep my hands off it...sigh.

I'm still not a 'photographer' per say but I'm shooting for the stars - and everything and everyone else. I figure the more I take, and play with settings, lenses and post production editing the better I'll be.

Click, click, click.....sigh.